Much like politics and elections, we can’t really change them because they still cater to old white people, who also happen to have all the money, we can’t really ignore golf either, no matter how much of an anachronism it might be. That’s why they employ Steph Curry to try and make it into a hip gameshow during his free time from trying to keep poor people five miles at least from his house at all times.
And golf’s biggest anachronism, the Masters, takes its usual place over Easter weekend starting today. For your benefit, we definitely spent at least seven minutes researching what are the best storylines heading into this year’s edition, where someone definitely interesting or that you’ve heard of before or care about in the least will win it.
Is that LIV vs. PGA thing still a thing?
Apparently. Though now it’s been ratcheted up a level because this season LIV Golf actually has a TV deal, and like six people watched their tournament that they had on it! But yes, there are still a handful or more former PGA Tour players who fucked off to take an ungodly sum of blood money from the ruling family of Saudi Arabia while mumbling something about “security,” which is hilarious as it sounds.
Those golfers do get to play in The Masters. Because Augusta National gets to decide the field, or who they get to send invitations to, they couldn’t resist chasing the headlines or being fair to the best golfers in the world. Like the Masters field as a whole, former winners get a lifetime exemption which waters everything down but lets August National members flagellate themselves even harder about the “history” of the tournament. So Phil Mickelson and his sniveling gape and Sergio Garcia and a few others get to show up, even though they aren’t a threat. Dustin Johnson won this three years ago so he gets an exemption too, as he continues his lifelong journey of using golf to avoid having an actual human thought.
The players on either side of the divide are apparently still sniping at each other, not realizing that they all come from the same cloth, and if any of these guys were forced to put up their own money for their play they’d all die of shock from shitting themselves so violently.
Is Tiger Woods playing?
Yeah, somehow. It’s not clear if his leg won’t disintegrate somewhere during the second round, but he’s going to play. He’s not going to win it by any logical measure, but that won’t stop him from being the most-watched player in the field just in case something truly weird happens. He’s 47 now, though most of that leg is only a couple years old after his car accident. He’s got more personal life weirdness too, showing that some things truly never die.
Anyway, if Woods is going to make noise at any tournament, it would be this one, where there isn’t too much punishment for bombing out off the tee but also can keep those who don’t hit it as long around as well, and expertise about this specific course come in handy. Certainly, CBS will be pumping this angle into pulp if he’s anywhere near the lead come the weekend.
Are there course changes?
Yep, as Augusta National has to continually fight a losing battle against players and equipment that have made a good deal of the course playable with just three or four clubs. The 13th hole, though with the Masters you always have to say the name given to each hole in a hushed tone that shows you have proper reverence for these overstuffed assholes, “Azalea,” has been lengthened by 35 yards so it isn’t a rather easy eagle-attempt for most. It’s still reachable for a lot of players, they’ll just have to think about it for like, an extra second or two.
Is there an equipment controversy? Aren’t golfers always bitching about something they have to change?
Yep and yep. It won’t affect this tournament, or any in the near future, but both the USGA and the R&A (old Scottish dudes) want to uniform the ball so it doesn’t fly as far and players might have to think about an 8-iron occasionally. Basically, it would cut 15 yards off the drives of the biggest hitters, in the hopes that they couldn’t destroy modern courses that simply can’t be long enough. You know if Bryson DeChambeau is opposed, it might be an idea worth considering. While golfers are certainly in better shape and have more strength than they did before, supercharging equipment does seem unnecessary and the true test to determine the best golfer would involve having them use just about as much of the same equipment as they can. Also, it’s always fun to watch these guys wet themselves.
So who will win?
I don’t know, some boring stiff who looks like the guy who married the most boring girl from high school who held most of the parties because her parents had the biggest house. Are you really going to know the difference? Scottie Scheffler is the betting favorite, and he’s a grown man called “Scottie” that isn’t Pippen. Tells you everything. Rory is the second choice, and he’s at least earned the right to be called by his first name and pretty much everyone knows who he is. Beyond that, there’s something called John Rahm, which sounds like the exact kind of name you’d make up to describe a golfer in a derisive fashion to mock the whole enterprise as this whole post has done.
‘Other than that, get ready for three and a half days of commentators saying, “The Masters doesn’t begin until the leader hits the back nine on Sunday,” making you wonder why you’d watched any of the previous three fucking days in the first place. Lots of piano music, whispered compliments, and shots of trees, all capped off by some dork getting an ugly blazer. And these are the people who own the rest of us.
Tee it up.